BEST of Barney Stinson

Let's all face it...he's a pig but he's AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!

How do you keep a girl from becoming your girlfriend?
Simple: The rules for girls are the same as Gremlins.
Rule number one: Never get them wet.
In other words, don’t let her take a shower in your place.
Rule number two: Keep them away from sunlight—i.e., don’t ever see them during the day.
And rule number three: Never feed them after midnight. Meaning she doesn’t sleep over, and you don’t have breakfast with her, ever.

Why do we need to wait before we make a call?
"Jesus waited three days to come back to life. It was perfect!
If he had only waited one day, a lot of people wouldn't have even heard he died.
They'd be all, "Hey Jesus, what up?" and Jesus would probably be like, "What up? I died yesterday!" and they'd be all, "Uh, you look pretty alive to me, dude..."
and then Jesus would have to explain how he was resurrected, and how it was a miracle, and the dude'd be like "Uhh okay, whatever you say, bro..."
And he's not gonna come back on a Saturday. Everybody's busy, doing chores, workin' the loom, trimmin' the beard, NO. He waited the perfect number of days, three.
Plus it's Sunday, so everyone's in church already, and they're all in there like "Oh no, Jesus is dead", and then BAM! He bursts in the back door, runnin' up the aisle, everyone's totally psyched, and FYI, that's when he invented the high five. That's why we wait three days to call a woman, because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait.... True story."

By 30, you should know:

1. How to fall in love without losing yourself.

2. How you feel about having kids. (Isang malaking ekis pa rin ako dito!!!!!)

3. How to quit a job, break up with a man and
confront a friend without ruining the friendship.

4. When to try harder and when to walk away.

5. How to kiss in a way that communicates
perfectly what you would and wouldn’t like to happen
next.

6. The names of: the secretary of state, your
great-grandmother and the best tailor in town. ( hehehe! who are they again? Im sorry?)

7. How to live alone, even if you don’t like to.

8. How to take control of your own birthday.

9. That you can’t change the length of your
calves, the width of your hips or the nature of your
parents.

10. That your childhood may not have been
perfect, but it’s over.

11. What you would and wouldn’t do for money
or love.

12. That nobody gets away with smoking,
drinking, doing drugs or not flossing for very long.

13. Who you can trust, who you can’t and why
you shouldn’t take it personally.

14. Not to apologize for something that isn’t
your fault.

15. Why they say life begins at 30. ( NOT YET, it's dreadfully scary)

By 30, you should have:

1. One old boyfriend you can imagine going
back to and one who reminds you of how far you’ve
come.

2. A decent piece of furniture not previously
owned by anyone else in your family.

3. Something perfect to wear if the employer
or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour.

4. A purse, a suitcase and an umbrella you’re
not ashamed to be seen carrying.

5. A youth you’re content to move beyond.

6. A past juicy enough that you’re looking
forward to retelling it in your old age.

7. The realization that you are actually going to
have an old age—and some money set aside to help
fund it.

8. An e-mail address, a voice mailbox and a
bank account—all of which nobody has access to but
you.

9. A résumé that is not even the slightest bit
padded.

10. One friend who always makes you laugh and
one who lets you cry.

11. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill and a
black lace bra.

12. Something ridiculously expensive that you
bought for yourself, just because you deserve it.

13. The belief that you deserve it.

14. A skin-care regimen, an exercise routine and
a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life
that don’t get better after 30.

15. A solid start on a satisfying career, a
satisfying relationship and all those other facets of life
that do get better.